no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
