I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
