ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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