I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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