I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
