my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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