It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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