OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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