Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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