textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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