How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
