Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
