I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
