You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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