If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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