Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
