Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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