you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
