so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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