He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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