I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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