life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
