I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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