just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
