took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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