Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
