Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
