He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
