i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
