getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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