I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
