Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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