I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
