Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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