My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
