i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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