smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
