I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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