i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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