Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
