hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I didn't notice because vodka
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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