after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
