drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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