I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
