____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I could have mohawked her pubes.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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