I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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