dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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