K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
