she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
sarcasm needs its own font
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
