enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
